Here comes the sun.

This is my relief: sitting in an al fresco, looking out on the street, observing people, watching cars and frantically trying to document the moments or explain feelings in words before they disappear.  I’ve been waiting for a time like this when I can once again make the ordinary sound poetic and paint a picture out of the mess that’s in my head.

I bet for almost everybody, there comes that time when you discover your ability to make time stop. This must be it for me.  I notice every detail, every kind of movement and it’s like I can somehow read the faces of the people passing by.  While this does not solve the dilemma I’m facing right now, it helps me remember that there are over a million possibilities out there.

I could make something out of myself because no matter what happens, there will be something for me to learn. I still have so many questions and there doesn’t seem to be an answer key.  I will have to try and fail and then try again.

I seem to have forgotten my resolve to keep moving forward despite the fact being written on my skin.  I guess no matter how old we get, there will be that fear of failure. The uncertainty will always be a daunting thing.  I don’t know if talking it out will cut it and writing is just making the feeling a tad lighter.  The best way would still probably be to get over it.

To toughen up is the best and hardest thing to do. Deciding doesn’t get any easier no matter how many days pass and the responsibility to decide will not be turned over to anyone else but me. So now is probably the moment.

I have to make time start again because escaping is only good for so long. 

Whatever happens, happens.

Here comes the sun.

Living on a Prayer

When things begin to look dreary, I begin to search my surroundings for inspiration and motivation.  If there’s one very important thing that the world has taught me lately, it would be self-encouragement.  People will cheer you on, but you have to cheer for yourself harder.  If you decide to do something, then you must give it all you have to give.

Every opportunity that has presented itself to me these past months brought greater confusion than relief.  I’m not quite sure if it’s the complexity of the idea itself or its consequences that I find hard to face.  Regardless, I forgot to be thankful and forgot to look at how it could change things for me.

But now, I feel like I’m ready and fearful at the same time.

I did not just wake up one day and decided to change things.  Nor did I wake up to find that things changed all on their own.  Every day, I strive to do something a little better.  Every day, I try to see things a little more unconventionally.  Until one day, I realized I could make things happen for me.

The torment will never end, it will always be there no matter how many months or years will pass.  But I could choose to walk away from it and take a different path.  That does not mean I am weak.  It only means I gained the courage to keep searching for happiness.

Because yes, happiness exists.  

Ideas.

One photo.  One million different takes.

Happiness.

Confusion.

Challenge.

Hope.

Uncertainty.

Who wins and who loses.

Who’s worth it.

Keep Moving Forward

Not every one who wanders is lost. Not every one who’s laughing is indeed happy. Not every one who cries is in despair. There’s always so much more than meets the eye, and so much deeper than words can define.

Every single day I find myself in crossroads, both real and figurative. I can’t quite tell exactly if it is due to my indecision, my overenthusiasm or the actual reality that life will mess with you in so many different ways over and over. Nevertheless, I’ve been questioning so many ideals, trying to create new philosophies and learning from each and every unique person I meet.

For instance, I got inked a week ago with one of my very good friends. Near my right ankle, it now reads ‘Keep moving forward” in a font that resembles a lot my handwriting. My close friends have seen it, one of my closest cousins and my sister. Reactions both struck the balance between positive and horrified.

This is one situation that could best describe my daily crossroads. Express yourself boldly or do so as discreetly as if you never did? Live by the belief of others or equip yourself with the strength to live your own? Go do it or keep holding back?

While I do understand it’s necessary to listen to the people you know have the best intentions for you, sometimes I believe it’s just high time to pave your own path and make your own mistakes. There’s something to learn from other people’s mistakes, but there’s better understanding when you begin to learn from your own.

There is no one way to go about life. Not even the saints traveled on an expressway to heaven. It seems fairly natural to take highways, by-ways, off-roads and even take the time to walk on shore.

I guess at certain points I’ll keep questioning myself and the decisions I make. But there will never be room in my mind for doubt or regret, because whatever I do and whatever I decide, I will have my own reason. I wouldn’t need the rest of the world to understand because they won’t be the ones to feel my pain or celebrate my joy. I’d still be me no matter who approves or not.

Despite my crossroads, I’d keep welcoming the sunrise, smelling the flowers and sipping my coffee with my feet up on the chair across me.. because life is just one day at a time.

It’s not yesterday.
Nor tomorrow.

Life is just today.
So keep moving forward.

First Day

I think the what’s great about being twenty is the spunk from being fresh out of college, the high of your first or second job, the freedom of jumping from one thing to another, trying to make sense of the beautiful chaos of what we often refer to as “the real world”.

Yes, being in school for 16 years is totally surreal. Now we get to face bills, credits, debits, and paychecks. The best that the real world has to offer are also its biggest curses.

What struck me most from living in this world for the past eight months is how dreams could go from impossible, to possible, to being not exactly what you wanted after all. I’ve always thought getting to the end of the tunnel is all sorts of beautiful. Bliss, happiness, contentment, fulfillment. I thought they’d all be waiting there.

But somehow, my dreams turned out to be pawns in a bigger game of real-life chess. It’s awesome to be living them..but they’re leading to a path further than I initially expected. So now I’m standing at another fork in the road, leading to places I’ve probably never imagined.

going places

But which is the right road to take. When is the right time to start walking. And who and what do I take with me in this seemingly new chapter. How do I know I’m ready. What is running away. Will I really learn and grow better or will I just go back to where I started and never grow up.

There’s more where this came from and there’s so much I cannot just yet express. It’s just the first day of the rest of the year and already.. I wanna reach the finish line.

Musings

It’s been quite a while and work has been everything it promised to be– busy, challenging, loads of fun.

in the jungle

You’d probably notice how ‘loads of fun’ came last in my description. Over the past weeks, I’ve come to formulate thoughts on the events industry. It’s as much a jungle as any. There are so many characters, some you don’t know playing which parts. There’s a variety of terrains, you’d have to be careful always where you stand. I’m loving it, honestly. I always have.

There’s a lot I have to thank this job for. It’s teaching me to be strong, to assert myself and what I know is right. It’s made me realize that we probably should not go looking for our spot in this world, but to create our own exactly right where we are. There are times when I would have to sway the truth so I could save myself and do what is expected of me. Those moments could be uncomfortable. But those moments propel to be better, to avoid putting myself in that spot again. Thus, I have to always work efficiently and thoroughly. Most importantly, I have to strive to learn and be better. There’s just no other way.

I do have to watch my back most times. But I guess that is part of the training.

While we do get somewhere by being nice and sweet, we probably get farther by being strong.

moving up, moving 'round

Believe. Everyday.

I’ve always been an advocate of living in the present, archiving the past for learning and not minding so much the future because it’s always dandy to be surprised.

So I took a step back one day and looked at my present. I saw a shy, timid girl, doing her job discreetly, carefully taking steps to make sure she doesn’t break a few toes. I could see she’s familiar with the ropes and she could work it like she’s been there all her life. She’s doing what she wants..but half-heartedly so. I asked her why.

ALWAYS

She said she’s a bit scared, wondering if she was in the right place. She wanted to make sure she’s in the right place all the time. I told her that’s not really a problem. She’s been granted her place because she deserves it. She’s got the skills, the smarts, the passion. I said to her she’s not going to get everything right, especially not the first time. To make my point clearer, I told her to look at my past.

I’ve got experience under my belt. I’ve been in various situations, both bad and good. I’ve never been left alone. There are a number of sayings I always tell myself as a mantra: “When in doubt, ask.” “Keep moving forward.” and my all-time favorite, “The day doesn’t last forever.” Life will go on whether we both mess up or not. People will criticize whether we get things right or not. Nobody’s ever going to be completely satisfied. We can only do our best. All the time.

comfort

So together we looked into our future and well.. really couldn’t see much for now. However, I took that girl’s hand and told her that from today, and everyday, we’re gonna stand firm, and create our mark in the world wherever we go. Big or small, we’re not going to stand in the background. We’re not gonna be invisible. We could only be stronger.

And when worse comes to worst, there’s nothing an iced espresso dream can’t cure.

Go-getting

It’s been a whirlwind this past week. I moved to a much larger city than I’m used to, got reunited with my sister, moved in together with her and one of my best friends, got a new job and basically, got a jump start on my new life. I have to catch my breath even as I type all of these.

lights and dinosaurs

I took this time to look back on everything that has happened, trying to make sense of what it all meant. Over dinner, I had a very insightful conversation with Rency (my best friend). She asked me but one question:

What does it really take to make you (us) happy?

go-getter

I took a few moments to think about it and right now, there’s only one clear answer for me. What makes me happy is being able to work and practice in the field I love–events management. Living in Manila has brought me face to face with so many sad realities that I can’t be any less than grateful for the opportunity I’ve been given. Just as there are so many talented people in the world, just as many do not get a chance at being able to do what they love.

I couldn’t even pretend to know how the little girl selling sampaguita feels, or understand why a registered nurse would want to work as a call center agent. Every person is given a different set of circumstances, and yes, life is never fair.

Somehow, it shed a little light on the fact that “Life is short.” But things make even more sense with the bigger fact that “LIFE IS YOURS”. You probably have not heard of that because I made the last one all up, but it summarizes everything I’ve been meaning to say about me, my life, and being happy.

Your life is yours. We make our own choices and we are given the capacity to live with it. If we discover we can’t, then we also have it in our hands to change the course we’re taking. Maybe you’d say there’s not enough money, or there’s not enough chance.. But there’s always more than enough faith. And if we just believe that this life is ours and we have to live it the best way we know how, then we’d have a lot more interesting stories to tell to our grandchildren.

And well, I never ever forget to say thank you to the Big Guy up there for everything. Then again, that’s just how I roll.

Realize or Specialize

On the plane to Manila, I was reading Predictably Irrational by Dan Ariely. It’s a special gift from one of my very best friends, Topher, and every chapter of the book always drives some sense into me.

I was particularly struck by the chapter on opportunities and how we all scramble like a crazed mob whenever one comes up. More so, if there are a lot at once. Dan talked about how we have become so obsessed with keeping doors open, keeping options on hold, that we do not realize how much we’re missing because we don’t focus long enough and seriously enough on one thing.

The dilemma is probably simple: realize or specialize. I keep thinking how much I want to realize my dream or that dream my fate is leading me to (whichever comes first). Do you feel sometimes that you just haven’t found “it” yet and you just got to keep searching? Yes, to realize I believe is to try on different shoes to see which one fits your outfit best.

To specialize may somewhat be a lot harder and may even be boring. I understand specialization like I understand doctors. Pick a field, study, be great. It looks like you’re , consciously entering a prison and just working on designing it carefully to make it feel like home.

Those two, with their pros and cons, are very hard for me to reconcile. Now that I’m starting to build a new career, I’m thinking whether I have to start to specialize–to pick a field, work on it, and be good at it. While my interests are basically within the realm of the arts, I also have a deep inclination in the no-nonsense world of business. I have heard stories of people of who have successfully merged both.. but who’s to say I’m one to join the ranks?

Being strong. Going crazy.

Today is the last day of my life. And the first of another one.

Start fresh. Go crazy.

Before you get any ideas, I’m not a cat. I’m just a girl who’s looking fate in the eye, and messing with it. My friends couldn’t tell you how many thoughts run through my head each day, but they could say for sure how much they vary every minute. I have a lot of dreams or things I want to do. I like a lot of stuff. I want to do so much all at once.

Because being in different places at one time and having 10 arms isn’t possible, I do the next best thing. Keep moving forward. It’s not probably the best move to change jobs every so often, or to just keep taking projects and never something full-time. But there’s a certain sense of fulfillment in being part of so many things.

I do not like monotony. I am not one for routine. I do not want to wear the same pair of shoes two days in a row. Stability is a word unknown to me. I want to be that burst of adrenaline, that Eureka moment, or that patch of sunshine in a wide, wide sky. I want to be so many things, so I’m starting right now.

Things'll get better in time.

It’s not easy to leave a good paying job and the best kind of office mates for something that’s not written in stone. But there’s never the right time or the perfect reason. It’s all just a leap of faith.

So thank you to every single person I came across in what I like to call my old life. You’ve taught me so much and gave me so many things to remember. I’m better, and still would like to continue being so. To the future people I’ll meet, I really can’t wait.